It’s not every day a woman massages my naked breasts. Nor do I often have someone smooth cream into my bare behind. Come to think of it, I’ve never had a shower wearing a paper thong. It’s been a day of firsts.

I am milky white of skin. I like to think of myself as an English rose but sometimes fear I’m so white I’m almost blue, with a hint of corned-beef purple around the upper arms. I’ve never had even a hint of a tan and whilst ending up as wrinkly as a sultana by 35 is not cool, there is something glamorous about sun-kissed skin. So, in an attempt to become a golden girl I booked myself in for the So Natural Self Tanner at Clarins.

Selfridges’ make-up hall is not where you’d expect to find tranquillity but the Clarins spa is just that. I am initially alarmed by the appearance of my therapist, Rosie, as she’s wearing more make up than Jodie Harsh, but she does have an impressive tan.

Before the session begins I have to sign a medical disclaimer (no, I don’t have a heart condition, but how intense is this?) then I’m led away from the perfume counter stick up squirters and into the soothing oasis of the spa rooms. The room is painted a cool white and lit with a blue glow. The table on which I am to lie is blanketed with fluffy white towels, and tinkling, new-age almost-music floats from a discreet stereo.

Rosie pats the bed, smiles encouragement, then hands me a paper thong and a shower cap. “Take all your clothes off, make yourself comfortable and then pop under a towel, I’ll be back in a couple of minutes,” she coos. I do as she says but sneak a look at myself in the full length mirror first to check out the thong. It’s not a good look. Still, better this then dirtying my M&S pants.

Rosie explains that firstly my body will be exfoliated to get rid of any dead skin. Tanning cream loves dead skin and clings to it causing the darker patches and streaks of many fake-bakes. To prevent this Rosie will pay extra attention to the usual dry skin suspects – elbows and ankles. “Now,” she asks, “would you like to be done all over?” I gaze at her questioningly. “Would you like me to do your breasts?”

Although my whole body will be treated, Rosie deals with a section at a time, lifting the towel under which I’m huddled like Red Riding Hood’s grandmother, then replacing it when she’s finished with that part. She gently exfoliates my face with a soft solution that feels like double cream with a hint of granulated sugar. Then, she works from my toes upwards. It feels amazing, like scratching itches you didn’t know you had.

Next, I shower in an enormous, gleaming cubicle in the corner of the room. It’s full of the Clarins cleansing products of my dreams and I begin to feel a bit like a princess. When I’ve washed I lie back on the bed and Rosie massages in tan milk from my feet upwards. I tell her that I was thinking of going for a spray tan and ask why Clarins don’t do them. “I’ve seen it when fake tans go bad,” she says, “do you want to look like a mud wrestler?”

As Rosie massages the cream into my skin I suddenly understand why dogs like being stroked. It’s the most, relaxing, luxuriating feeling, someone else firmly smoothing your body. By the time Rosie asks me to stand up so she can do my bottom I feel like Cleopatra, albeit a queen in a shower cap.

The results aren’t instant but as the tan develops gradually the result is a natural colour, working with the skin’s pigment. For the next 24 hours I must not take a shower and use as little make up as possible.

The next day, I peer under the duvet excitedly to see my new colour. It’s beautiful. A realistic, sun-kissed golden brown. For the first time ever, this Terry is all gold.

Going for gold:
Clarins’ So Natural Self Tanner 70 minutes. £45. The effects last for six days if you moisturise daily.
Clarins’ spa, Selfridges, Oxford Street. Tel: 020 7318 3772

For the same look at home:
Clarins’ Smoothing Body Scrub £23
Radiance-Plus Golden Glow Cream Gel £23 (face).
Self Tanning Instant Milk £15.50 (body).