Londoners Magazine

Nothing boils my piss faster than a slow walker. You know the kind. They’re everywhere. Clogging up our escalators, trudging down streets, taking their own sweet time - as time stops for those trying to get past.

In 2000 a group of businessmen - henceforth known as My Gods - suggested Operation Tug Boat: a pedestrian fast lane to get people moving faster on Oxford Street.

The minimum speed in these lanes would be three miles an hour and would be free of those knobheads who slow down to spark up a fag, chug back a bevvie or who can’t walk or talk at the same time.

Pushchairs and dogs would also be banned. Throw in grannies and toddlers and you’ve got utopia.

Of course nothing has come of My Gods proposal, and everyday 50 per cent of Londoners experience “pavement rage”, according to the British Association of Anger Management. In one such fit in May 2007, John Laidlaw shot Abu Kamara in the neck after a bag brushed against his friend.

But still gaggles of girls shriek in agony as they break in their new Louboutins, stopping and starting like Braxton Hix

Still, tourists weighed down in camcorders, camera phones and maps the size of cities clutter streets as they marvel at the sights, while failing to observe local customs. In Japan you take off your shoes, in Dubai you don’t drink. In London: YOU GET OUT OF THE BLOODY WAY!

Is it any wonder that the inventor of the escalator commited suicide?

It was supposed to get people from A to B faster. Instead it’s become a halting sight for the lazy and obtuse. Were he alive to day I’m sure he’d point the gun in the other direction and blow some life into those stagnant sons of bitches.