Londoners Magazine

The only thing worse than being rejected by a man is being rejected by a charity.

Yesterday I found a spare page in our beautiful magazine that was begging for an advert.

With only a day until the deadline, it seemed implausible to get a paid ad in time. But my feminine wiles didn’t feel up to the task.

Instead, the team decided it would be a lovely gesture to give the space away - free - to a deserving charity, generous souls that we are.

But I encountered a problem. The men at the charities didn’t fancy me at all.

My first target was Shelter, a London homeless charity, and a delightful young man told me that he wasn’t the right person to speak to. He’d get somebody to call me back. They never did.

If Shelter was a man, I would have cut my losses and moved on. But like a desperate, besotted teenager, I kept calling. I was fobbed off again. “I’m sorry, the person you need to speak to is on holiday, she won’t be back until next week. Nobody else here can make a decision.”

What decision? A decision about whether to take a free A4 ad in a nice shiny magazine? I can see the dilemma.

My heart goes out to the poor homeless people that have been done out of some much needed attention.

Next was Amnesty International, a human rights charity, who would surely embrace this marketing opportunity. Think again. It turns out I know less about charities than I know about men.

I know it was last minute, but it was disappointing. I hope the people of Islington who could’ve seen the ad already know about the victims of torture and wrongful imprisonment across the globe.

Before I gave up on charities entirely, lucky number three came along.

Survival, a charity in EC1 protecting tribal people worldwide, picked up the phone. I was told that the relevant person was in a meeting, but this time I wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Like a petulant child, I instructed the receptionist that if I didn’t hear back in an hour, I would offer the ad to someone else. So there.

In 45 minutes the phone rang.

A couple of hours later I had my advert. And it has breasts in it. It turns out tribal people do like to be advertised in magazines about alternative London.

And also that charities are like men - sometimes they just need to be told what to do.