Londoners Magazine

After last week’s tirade on why you should go to Glastonbury, here is an absolutely true account of what happened on the first day of Truck festival last year. Truck hosted the big Schla La La GOODBYE show.

Friday
18:00 Up For It Schlas, to wit: George (me) and Katrin arrive on site and begin to pitch the Glam Tent
18:07 Pitch complete. After playing two festivals in two days the weekend before last, we’ve got this camping lark down to a fine art
18:10 Put up camping chairs, table, in-tent modesty screen (something upon which I insist after a recent in-tent “incident”); fix stove; spray bug spray; lay out roll mats, sleeping bags, camping pillows etc. There’s camping, and then there’s glamping, after all
19:00 Settle in camping chairs, Malibu and pineapple in hand, and bask in the envious glow from all the two-man domes and tiny tepee residents in the field.
20:00 Hannah Schla arrives on site on her scooter. She’s so cool.
20:01 Hannah Schla’s scooter is on fire! She’s so hot!
20:02 Hannah Schla’s scooter still on fire
20:03 Poke head from around tree (where have retreated for safety) and make helpful suggestions
20:04 Suggestions are unheeded
20:10 Smoke and fire becoming tedious. Where oh where are stewards/security when one needs them?
20:15 Fire bores itself out.
20:30 Make dinner of fresh pasta tortellini with pesto, balsamic vinegar and chilli oil, plus olives and cheese. Serve with chilled wine and eat around camping table while sat in camping chairs. Glam camping rules.
21:00 Light one, tiny, citronella candle to keep bugs away (bugs just love to dip their fangs in sweet Schla flesh) and are almost stampeded by security due to “fire risk”.
21:10 Construct elaborate smoke screen from hummus pots and wine bottles and re-light candle. Ha! We fought the war and the Schlas won!
21:15 Candle expires
00:00 Hannah Schla leaves the site, asking if we want a lift on her scooter back to “civilisation and a warm bed”. “No thanks” we cheerily cry; we love camping y’see. When one is as seasoned a festival camper as we are, one has all the things one could possible require: pyjamas, ear-plugs, Hard Bear substitute, a silky ribbon. Plus there are flushing loos in the guest area and hot and cold running water; what more could we ask for. No, camping rules: beds and B&Bs are for wimps!
00:10 Have camped on a boulder. Camping fucking sucks.
00:30 “Katrin… KATRIN… are you awake?”
00:35 “Katrin… KATRIN… please could you move over a bit, there’s a boulder on my side.”
00:40 “Sniffle”
01:00 Hammer boulder with a mallet. Boulder remains unmoved but the kraken (Katrin) awakes and is very sarcastic.
01:30 Cry self to sleep
03:30 Stare at tent ceiling for a bit cursing camping, Truck, but most of all spread-eagled and sleeping Katrin Schla.
04:30 A storm! How exciting!
04:31 Kinda wished we hadn’t camped quite so close to the tree though
06:00 Have quiet wee in a corner of the tent. A corner that for the rest of the festival Katrin will claim “smells of horses”.
06:57 Admit defeat, get up and go for secret shower.

Stay tuned for Saturday and Sunday’s exciting episodes, including the tale of what happened when George tells a young camper she needs to powder her nose…