Londoners Magazine

A typical day in my pub:

[Tipsy local schoolteacher]

“I’ll have… one… pintoflagerrrr… one… pintofbitterrrr… and… halfoftapwater.”

[Bar tender]

“Certainly, that’s £7.”

[Tipsy local schoolteacher who may be drunker than on first appearance]

“£7! £7! Seven pounds sterling! How much for the bitter?”

[Bored bar tender]

“£3.40.”

[Definitely drunk local schoolteacher]

“And hoooow much for the lager?”

[Bar tender with better maths than the local schoolteacher]

“£3.60.”

[Drunk and reddening local schoolteacher]

“£3.60! For a pint of lager! That’s nearly £4! Four English pounds! That’s ridiculous! For a pint of LAGER! Bloody rip-off if you ask me…” He mumbles, walking away with his pints, trying not to spill any of his precious purchase on the floor.

Today’s subject: The Four Pound Pint. I get complaints about this daily and here’s your answer. It’s not our fault. The pub is not trying to get as much money as possible. In fact, the mark-up on beer is incredibly small, literally pennies. For every pint, a pub will only take about 10 pence.

Remember how hot it was last summer? Well, there was a great big drought and no wheat, barley or hops grew. “Import it in?” you wonder, “like the bananas and Australia had with their lack of rabbits”. We do import wheat from the Middle East (don’t ask me exactly where, my geography is rubbish). But these clever farmers have clocked onto something: rather than sell wheat to breweries for beer, you can get loads more dosh by turning it into bio fuel for engines. These Westerners you see, they’re really getting onto the green planet bandwagon.

So there’s your answer. No wheat, no beer, I’m afraid. And this bumps up the price of our bevvies. So please stop complaining; it’s not our fault. (As for the price of spirits and wine, fuss all you like).