Londoners Magazine

As a relationship blogger there are certain dangers that come with the territory. Embarrassing the shit out of myself is a given, but others can also be caught in the mortifying crossfire of my confessions. My brother illustrated this in his last email to me.

In it he said: “I believe the term you use is pull quotes. Here are a few from the last piece you wrote; which I read with your encouragement.

“I need a man to clean my pipes.”
“He knew how much it turned me on to see him working his tool kit.”
“I’d drag him to my room and show my appreciation.”

My brother continued: “Such is my lot in life I guess; to know way more about you than I should. Like the fact that you’ve done it in between subway cars and prefer the reverse cowgirl position. But some how that wasn’t enough. God saw fit to give you an open forum, so that I may be even more informed about your sex life. Ah well, here come the night terrors again. I think the sheer unlikely coincidence is what really gets me. Out of 20 people making Londoners, you’re given the assignment.

“I imagine you in a meeting one day with your group. You’re all sitting uncomfortably on stackable chairs, in a non-descript beige room, with note pads in your laps. The over achiever, aka - your editor, is going down the list of blogs that still needs writers. Did the conversation go anything like this?

EDITOR: Alright chaps, we’re almost done. Just a few more blogs to assign then we can all go home and eat. Okay, next one up is our sex blog. Now before anyone volunteers, I feel I should remind everyone that much of our initial site traffic will be from family members. So, if your family’s a bit squeamish you might want to avoid this one. In fact do we have any orphans here? That might be the best way to go. Anyone?… Anyone?… No? Damn.

KATE: I’ll take it.

EDITOR: Great, so your family would be okay with it?

KATE: Well I’ll just tell my parents not to read it; my brother can still read it though.

EDITOR: Your brother? (chuckles) Okay, well as long as he doesn’t mind.

KATE: Oh no, I’m sure it will disturb him immensely. He might even start having those awful night terrors again.

EDITOR: Then why in God’s name would you do that to him? That just seems cruel.

KATE: I don’t know

EDITOR: That sad, sorry bastard. May God have mercy on his soul. Okay, moving on…