Londoners Magazine

Why the fuck is everyone so scared of clowns? Of all the myriad creatures out there vying to chill our spines, people decide they’re terrified of a podgy guy wearing lipstick and a yellow all-in-one? I guess the whole “creepy paedo” vibe justifies some nervousness, but frankly, that’s stereotyping and offensive to clown-kind. In fact, when was the last time anyone actually saw a clown? I’m not even sure they exist any more. Grow up, sissies.

What about werewolves? Vampires? Aliens that impregnate you with sharp-toothed killer foetuses? Next to these blood-soaked murder machines, what the hell can a clown do? Bore you to death with a lengthy balloon show?

And then there’s the current toast of the monster crop, the humble zombie. Essentially a reanimated corpse with an insatiable hunger for human flesh, the zombie isn’t that intimidating on its own. After all, it has all the speed and dexterity of…well, a decomposing corpse.

But where there’s one, there’s bound to be more. Because of their highly contagious bite, they spread like stinky wildfire. One bite, one slip, and you’re a goner. What’s more, you’ve got to wander the earth as a soulless husk, yet another addition to the ravenous horde.

Shockingly, the British government has failed to channel any of its massive defence budget into precautions against the underestimated threat of a zombie apocalypse. Not even a public service broadcast to promote zombie awareness. So, in the interest of public safety, I will step into the breach the government has recklessly refused to fill. Here are some tips on what to do if the dead come back to eat our brains.

Look out for Number One

Your first instinct will be to go after loved ones who might be trapped or threatened in the early hours and days of a zombie holocaust. Don’t bother. Zombie movie lore suggests they’re already dead, and you don’t need to see that. Besides, what did they ever do for you? Exactly.

Food supply + escape route = fried gold

If you’re trying to choose a place to hole up and wait for the boys in blue to save the day, you’ll need a place where you can feed yourself (canned food is best), as well as an easy escape route if it all goes tits up. An abandoned prison, with secure gates, large food stores, and plenty of lockdown options, is a jackpot (see Robert Kirkman’s graphic novel series The Walking Dead).

Weaponry

Sooner or later, you’re going to have to get your hands dirty and defend yourself. Guns are of limited use, as you have to “kill the brain to kill the ghoul” (Night Of The Living Dead). But you don’t want to have to get too close, or you’ll be forced to face two rows of sharp zombie teeth (not to mention some hideously bad breath). A spade or similar tool should allow you to keep your distance. You could even try playing Dido at loud volumes. That shit might even put zombies to sleep.

Run

As zombies are limited to a tragic shuffle, a speedy retreat should get you out of most sticky situations, as long as you don’t get caught with your pants down (that reminds me – you should probably never have sex again). If you’re too fat or lazy to bother with sprinting, consider looting yourself a moped.

What Would Alan Sugar Do?

Failing all that, go into business making brain pies, selling them direct to the rotting consumer. Think about it – zombies have a limitless appetite and no concept of quality. I think it’s clear there would be a market there.

And there you have it. It’s not comprehensive, but it might just get you through. For a full bibliography of zombie research, click here. To get some tips from the real experts, click here.

Oh, and here’s my clown attack survival guide – if a clown starts some shit, kick him in the crotch. Done.

Embarassing note: Chris is so scared of spiders that he once insisted his mum sleep on the floor of his bedroom because he saw a daddy-long-legs. So he can’t really talk about unreasonable fears.