Londoners Magazine

Apologies for missing my usual Monday spot, loyal readers (both of you), this week has been unusually hectic. A chain of fortuitous events led to a moment where I found myself inches away from Nick Cave, staring idiotically at his magnificent moustache. I’m posting up this Johnny-come-lately, then I’ll get right back on the wagon for my Monday post. And I’ll tell you all about the Nick Cave thing then, I promise.

Today, I’m celebrating the inclusion of Two Fashion Conscious Men into our roster. Londoners’ male staff has an overabundance of fashion tragedies (with the exception of Caomhan’s majestic wardrobe, of course), so an injection of glamour is probably long overdue. Their timely advice about wearing pink even inspired me to be brave, dig out my dusty old pink bunny costume and wear it to work. Yeah, I got some looks, but I’m pretty sure they were the right kind of looks, if you know what I mean. And those jerks who threw bottles at me were just jealous.

Inspired by our new additions, here are my top geek fashion tips. Note that these essential titbits are extra useful for geeks, but can be applied to anyone. Especially if you need to go undercover to bust a nerdish crime syndicate that’s been illegally downloading episodes of Lost In Space.

1. Hike up those jeans
What are you, a hippie? Pull those trousers up. And tuck in your t-shirt while you’re at it. The freewheeling, socially casual hippie is the natural enemy of the pent-up, painfully awkward nerd. Show the world you’re serious and dress like you’re going to a Dungeons & Dragons board meeting. Remember, the higher the trousers are, the more serious you’ll be. True fact: if you pull your trousers up to your armpits, you’ll probably become Prime Minister.

2. Footwear
You could push the boat out and go for some extravagant black Converse sneakers, but that would suggest a knowledge of fashion that you don’t want the world to know about. Your best bet is to stick with the Clarks shoes your mum bought you for P.E when you were fourteen. They’re sturdy, reliable, and they haven’t got any fancy ideas.

3. Accessorize to successorize
T-shirt design is truly the forum for geek self-expression. There are two ways you can do this. Firstly, you could go for the classic favourite comic book/TV show/heavy metal band thing. That’s fine, but nowadays all the preening fashionistas are co-opting our good honest geek stuff to put on “ironic” t-shirts that you’re as likely to find in Top Shop as Camden market.

To really prove your geek credentials, I’d go for option number two – t-shirts with massive acrylic pictures of dragons, unicorns, demons or any other of the sundry supernatural creatures you can think of. It lets everyone know that you’re into some serious shit, and the posers won’t have the guts to try it. Alternatively, you can do irony of your own by wearing t-shirts with obnoxious messages like “You wish you look this good” or “Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.” It’s ironic because you’re actually crippled by self-doubt.

So there you have it. If you followed my three steps carefully, you should have a pretty decent look going on. Feel free to improvise – a novelty hat here, a surrender to morbid obesity there – go nuts. The fashion world is your oyster.