Londoners Magazine

Having steered clear of driving for several years, Caomhan Keane decided to mark his maiden voyage. But balking at the spiralling cost of just one lesson, he decided to keep it in the family and learn another life lesson from his dad.

(Illustration by Adam Howarth)

“Lift your foot of the clutch…take it easy with the accelerator…easy…I said…EASY!”

Father and son relationships are supposedly fraught with Freudian friction. So there is no greater test of a father’s love than that of his son’s first driving lesson.

My father, Michael, lives for his Mazda 323. He’s named her, speaks to her and cleans her more often than he cleans himself. So it came as no shock when my first request for a driving lesson was met with a flat “no”.

“I don’t think people should teach people they know how to drive,” he said, polishing her hub. “I wouldn’t have the patience.”

A reminder of how he had the patience to teach my cousin to plough her parent’s car into a lamppost and a glance at how much a driving lesson would set him back (thirty quid a pop) had him singing a different tune.

Besides, I think he was secretly thrilled. While never the son he had expected (I can’t gut a fish and the only time I kicked a ball it ended up in the back of my own net) he’d found my lack of motoring skills particularly infuriating.

Most children growing up are scared of the monsters that lurked under their bed. I feared the very real monster that appeared in the driving seat every time my mother stepped behind the wheel of a car.

Of a natural nervous disposition, three horrendous car crashes left her, and me, shrieking with fear every time the car so much as approached a traffic light. Since this apple didn’t fall far from the tree, I swore I’d never put myself through such psychological torture again.

But there we were, on the back streets of my hometown, about to take my life in my own hands.

The point of a good first lesson, my father said, was to get the driver acquainted with the car. Initially the only thing I was getting acquainted with was whiplash.

It didn’t help that as we sped towards a stone wall, my teacher reverted to his native Irish, confusing an already baffled pupil.

Pulling the handbrake almost out of its resting place and his arm out of it’s socket, my fathers deep breaths were the only sound in a silence curdled with fear. When he finally spoke I felt like I was four all over again, steering the wheel from his lap.

He guided me through the changing of the gears, the releasing of the clutch and the hair-raising sensitivity of the accelerator. As we wound round the country roads he barked orders and occasionally grabbed the wheel, but as I learned to control the car, and he his temper, we relaxed.

Soon I was doing full loops round the village, pausing only to avoid sending my neighbour into his bush and for my father to natter like a foul mouthed knitting circle with anyone who crossed our path.

Country roads are perfect for a first time drivers: nearly always deserted and no traffic lights, roundabouts or motorways to wind up on, or around. But they provide their own unique challenges.

Mastering my first 90 degree turn, I found myself face to face with a herd of cattle. While later as I privately congratulated myself on my virgin voyage, my five year old cousin overtook me in his tractor.

There are definite advantages to having your father teach you to drive. Although your typical instructor wouldn’t belt you over the head if you forget to put the gears in neutral, you also miss the joy of watching his face ashen as you fulfill your need for speed.

But when you consider the price (none) and the quality time spent with the old man, the experience was a more fulfilling one than if I had gone to a driving school.

Info:

Other quirky ways to learn how to drive:

1.Learn On Private Property

Save yourself the preliminary license fee by schmoozing up to any friends with private property, where its legal to drive without a license, as long as it isn’t open to the public.

2. Learn Intensely

Who has time for thirty lessons at thirty pounds a pop to become a fully qualified driver. Learn in one week at The Driving School for London. Click here or call Noel Gaughan on 0800 056 9418 for more details.

3.Learn In Style

AIM driving school offer only the finest driving experience for its drivers. Hit the road for your first tour of duty in a BMW 1 series.

Check the cars out here or call 07746 202035 for more details.