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“3-D has become a legitimate cinematic technique, albeit one that leaves you feeling like a rhino has crapped in your eyes and brain by the end of the movie…” |
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“What if there had only been three guests, or 72? Would she have broken down in tears, reached for the nearest implement with which to belabour her around the chops? Taken an axe, taken an overdose, hurled herself in a nearby oven?” |
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“It’s a minefield. Except the mines are crammed with mockery and the shrapnel’s made out of red hot shards of humiliation…” |
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“He knows he’ll forget all about the man in the toilet as soon as he’s back with his mates and the bubbly… “ |
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“I would recommend Blankets to anyone with a heart, half a brain and functioning tear ducts…” |
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“I spent £205 by mistake in Soho where a man with a neck as thick as several draught excluders menaced to kick me in the testicles if I didn’t give him £205, even though the waitress didn’t take her bra off. “ |
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“Why would I want to mope the chewing-gummed streets of a city that I so carefully and lovingly avoid, why would I want to traipse even more slowly behind malingering halfwits and deformed Americans?” |
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“Let us not forget that she ain’t nothing more than an all singing, all dancing slab of meat culled from the cattle call that is reality television.” |
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“Sport just highlights our tragic physical inadequacies. It’s our latent mal-coordination forced up on to a stage to stand shivering, like a naked orphan, under the spotlight…” |
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“I’d be lying if I said there weren’t some pretty dark days – days when jokes about spending my time hosting tea parties for a collection of dolls just don’t seem so funny.” |